things that are difficult

I am revisiting something that I found difficult. If you know me you may not be surprised. I've been doing this for a while now. It all began with Algebra II wherein I took the class again to get a higher grade. I did.

Then it moved on to things like getting sober and the whole world of codependency.
Both difficult. Both needed to be revisited. Although, I might add that the codependency issue needed to be revisited with a rather large lapse of time in between visits.

Now the thing that I am revisiting is the Iron Pentacle. If you don't know what that is you may ask. I will explain. But for now I shall just assume that if you are reading this blog you have some idea.

My first go round with the Iron Pentacle was difficult. Difficult, dramatic, and probably dangerous. But, I am one of those people who jump first and look for my wings while already airborne.
Difficult because I was in new territory on a weekend workshop. With strangers and pretty new circle mates. Why did we do it, you ask? Well, it was how we were lead to understand that one builds *community*. And we all sorta knew what the deal was. We weren't new but we were new to each other. This just ain't work to do with strangers. Really. I gotta be honest and say I was kinda blown away by the work. I liked it. Don't get me wrong. We'd done 2 Elements classes together and a Ritual Artistry class by this point. But this was different. This was more personal. And although we had been working together for a time there weren't any real connections built. This made the work more difficult for me. See, I've been doing work that, I think, parallels the work of the Pentacles for years. It's called The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you think I'm kidding, you try it. Really, honestly, seriously, like your life depends on it, try it. All 12 Steps. You'll see. It is difficult and life changing/soul changing stuff. But it is done on the basis of folks having built some kind of relationship within which this really hard work can be done. And we did not have the framework for such work. We just didn't know that. I don't know how the work affected the other members of the class cause we sorta fell apart after that. And there you have it!
Dangerous? Well, that was unforseeable before the event. Cause I had no idea that little ole me who had been diligently working on herself all those years had some issues I was not even aware of. Until that weekend. But, dangerous? Well, yes. In retrospect I must give immense credit to the Goddess Who has carried me through many difficult and dangerous experiences these many years and She carried me through that weekend and the shattering aftemath. Cause it was a weekend workshop, remember? And the woman who taught it went home to another state on Sunday. Right? Right! And there's me left with all this crap and no one I felt would either understand or care. So, that left me with my truly awesome Higher Power to get me sorted out.
But, come now. Dangerous? Everyone has issues, right? How dangerous could it have been? Well, here's how: I had been sober for some time (over 10 years) but I had not been to meetings and had not kept up contact with anyone. (Another long story--another time perhaps.) So, I was kinda out there alone...except for my awesome Higher Power. I knew I was not in that alone and I knew I could count on Her but it was a dangerous place for any alcoholic. I made it. Yes, indeed. But it was a gift really.
Dramatic? Well, yep. Not only was there lots of acting out of the points and the matching points on the rust and gilded pentacles but the effects of the class where dramatic in my life. Let's just say that I musta found what I really wanted cause even after all that I'm still here!
I forgot isolating. Doing this work among a group with tenuous attachments was very isolating for me. Let's just put it this way: Not too long after this workshop I found my little way back to meetings and back to people who spoke my language and understood that this work requires CONNECTION...it is not an option.
So, after all that, I am going to try it again. NOT a weekend workshop. NOT a group without connections. NOT a teacher who lives in another state. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, and if it should go badly, I've been back to meetings for years and I have good connections there too and they all know I'm a witch. So, even if they don't actually understand, they'll listen.
Let's pray for gentle changes and understanding, shall we?